Archive for the ‘Grief’ Category

Emotional Whatever-you-call-this

Today my feelings were all over the map – up, down, and sideways.  This image, found at visually reflects this.


I accomplished a great deal at work both today and yesterday.  We work only a half day on Fridays through the summer, and today was the last one for this year.  By the time I left at 1:00pm this afternoon, I had completed a number of items on my to do list, and was at a good stopping point.  Since this is a long weekend, I created a new list so that I can start fresh with that on Tuesday.  I placed the list on my keyboard, so that I will be able to pick up without a long delay trying to get my head back in the game quickly.

Yesterday was my day off from school since my weeks run from Thursday through Wednesday, and I spent a few hours looking for an appropriate outfit for my friend’s funeral service this evening … I left the mall as they were locking the doors.  I then stopped to get a prescription filled, and shopped for nearly an hour waiting for that to be filled … it was a busy night at the pharmacy.  I got home somewhere around 10:00pm, and tried on the clothes for my daughter to see.  We determined that I had chosen poorly, and that I would have to go back today after work.  I put together a quick post on Instagram that would be shared here, and I finally lay down to sleep around midnight.  I was exhausted, and fell asleep quickly.

This afternoon, I did the shopping, found a great outfit to wear, went home, showered, did my hair and makeup, put on the outfit after running the pants through the dryer to get out a few wrinkles, and I left for the service.  It was a lovely service with the full choir from the church in attendance.  The church was my deceased friend’s church, and she had been in the choir.  She had been a member of the choir, and her robe was draped across her seat.  It was a lovely gesture.  The words of the minister mirrored mine from August 26th closely, and my friends and I cried together as we all honored the beautiful being that she had been.

We are told not to speak ill of the dead, but I commented to my friend that no matter how hard I tried, there was not one negative thing that I could say.  That is what I consider a true testament to her goodness.  The overflowing parking lot and pews were yet another.

Friends who no longer work with us were there, and it was good to see them.  It was good to gather to reaffirm our friendship and love.  I saw someone who I’ve missed, and I gave and received a LOT of hugs … and Kleenex … we shared a lot of Kleenex 🙂

On the way home I was hit with a wave of sadness and depression that was so strong I had to pull over.  I was snubbed by a coworker at the service, and I will not soon forget that.  I won’t act on it … I’ll act as if it never happened, and I will work to understand why she did it, and I will work to determine what triggered that emotion, but in the short term, it stung.  I felt utterly lonely and bereft, and I reached out to several friends.  I thought that maybe my children would want to go to a movie, but two were asleep, and my oldest had plans with her friends already.  This brought me down even lower.  I texted a little with two friends who had been at the funeral, and was greeted online by another friend.  A third friend from the funeral called me, and we had a good talk.  Her call helped pull me out of my funk, and my online conversation took a turn toward the silly and speculative bringing on a fit of laughter so hard that I was out of breath and my stomach muscles hurt … it was fantastic, and I love them both for helping me, and for just being my friends.

Tomorrow morning is the interment, and I am still undecided at to whether or not I will be there.  I think that I will go to sleep, and see how I feel about it in the morning.  I know that I will feel guilty if I don’t go, so I most likely will.

After that I will be working on homework for most of the rest of the day since my first discussion posting is due.  I plan to work on my assignments as well, and have decided to stick to a personal due date of Sunday for assignments rather than Wednesdays, because that causes me much less stress.  This weekend I have an extra day off of work, and I will be devoting that to getting a jump on next week’s assignment.

Today, while driving my son home from school, he mentioned that we don’t do anything together anymore, and so I’m planning to take him out and take some new pictures with him if there’s a break in the heat.

Such were the ups and downs of my day, and my plans for the weekend.  It’s a struggle to juggle (did you see what I did there?) all of these responsibilities, and to manage my time well enough to allow me to keep everything running smoothly, but that’s why I’m writing this blog.  Day-to-day issues may seem too, well, day-to-day, for a blog, but the purpose here is to convey how I handle work, maintain a household, discharge my parental duties, include social and entertainment events and obligations (not too many of these), maintain a fitness regimen (this is still in the planning process at the moment, but is part of the personal realization in performance psychology), meet new friends to expand my social circles and activity options (see previous parenthetical phrase), and complete my PhD in Personal Psychology.  I will chronicle my journey with the hope that it may provide insight to someone who is struggling to do the same, or give another the confidence to begin their own journey.

Until tomorrow …